Today was the first day of classes for the Spring semester here at Clemson. I am a Junior, yet having been here two and a half years I find I am alone in this place. I have surrounded myself with many, many friends who I can hang out and laugh with but no one whom I can relate with or who really knows me. I feel stalled, lost, frustrated, and longing something (anything!) different.
This past summer changed me. It was not my conversion experience; that happened with Brooke on September 7, 2008. That long warm summer undoubtedly changed me and God's Grace gave my life a new direction. Still, last summer in Prague was like an awakening and I saw the Gospel of grace, freedom, brokenness, and forgiveness anew. My passion for missions was born and I keep finding that fire continually being stoked by God continuously. Yet perhaps it is that passion that contributes to my helpless feeling here. I made my bonds with my teammates that are closer and more meaningful than any other friendships I have ever had. I experienced real, tangible, beautiful Christian community. That is something I realize I have never found at Clemson. Unfortunately, it is not with a lack of trying. I attend RUF and am on the leadership team there. I have helped start Campus Outreach at Clemson and am involved in the inaugural Bible Study and group meetings. Yet for whatever reason true spiritual bonds cease to exist here like they did or Prague or I feel like I might have in Memphis. I cannot connect with most people from FCA or Younglife. they always try to seem like they are on a constant spiritual "mountain top" and, most likely because of my own sin and selfishness, it nauseates me. I feel like their emotions are a fraud. I believe that it is not how high you soar on the spiritual highs, but how straight you walk with Christ on the narrow road where life is tough and where you spend the vast majority of life. I admire their passion but I find myself wondering how much of their emotions are real.
Father God I pray that you would help me love these people. I pray that I would quit being selfish about my feelings and open my eyes to what it is you want me to do here. Give me patience. Patience enough to not feel stuck here. Patience and faith to believe in Your plan for my life. Humble me to give up control and help me stop fighting against Your plan. Father please, I pray, grant me a community of believers here whom I can rejoice with about You. Continue to fuel my passion to serve You in missons.
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thanks for your honesty. i can relate to what you wrote as some of my friendships in honduras happened so quickly, but are still so deep and real. it has been hard connecting to people since moving back. there are a few people who are real and understand missions as well. we need to hang out again soon! liz
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